How to let go of comparison and embrace your gifts
We are all divinely unique beings, but sometimes we let comparison get the best of us.
And no wonder, we live in a world that encourages us to compete with each other for money, attention and validation. Which is why so many are stuck in comparison and can’t break free from measuring ourselves against others.
I’ve been stuck in comparison too, and sometimes still am.
Sometimes I catch myself looking at someone’s life, wishing it was mine, or looking at what they have and want it for myself.
We’ve all been there, whether we’re conscious of doing it or not, but in this state of being we lose touch with ourselves and the true wonder of who we are, in all of our unique and special glory.
Which is why I wanted to write this article; to help you free yourself from the negative spiral of comparison and come back to remembering and appreciating how truly wonderful you are.
Every path is different and yours is perfect
I wrote about comparison a while ago as it was something that I kept falling prey to.
It was at a time of my life when I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing anything and like I didn’t have much to offer to the world. This is when we are most likely to be vulnerable to comparison, when we’re in a state of low self-esteem, devaluing ourselves and our gifts.
At that time, I was very gifted (like we all are) in so many extraordinary ways, but I just couldn’t see it, and so I measured my worth constantly against those around me. Friends who were in relationships, friends who were buying houses, friends who had stable jobs, friends who went on lovely holidays. I felt like I didn’t fit in, I didn’t have any of those things and I felt like a failure.
This is a really common part of comparison. The world has taught us that there is one path that everyone follows; you go to school, then university, you get a ‘proper’ job, you then meet someone, fall in love, get married, buy a house together, have children, and so on.
There’s nothing wrong with all of these things, of course, but when we measure ourselves against this seemingly ‘perfect path of life’, and find that we don’t measure up and that we’re lagging behind in the race, then that’s when we begin to doubt ourselves and our own unique journey, and the comparison becomes overwhelming.
The truth is, even though society tells us that we need to conform and live in a certain way in order to be successful and happy, this is all external. We only ever see the external journey of someone else’s life, never their internal one.
We have no idea of the battles that wage war within them, the wounds that they have not yet healed, the joy of their accomplishments, the ancestral trauma that sabotages their life, the pain, the wonder and the grief that they carry. We have no idea, and this is humbling for us all, for it reminds us that the real journey through this life is through the internal caverns of our heart and soul.
So, instead of asking ourselves “am I where I should be in my life?”, can we instead look inwards and ask “am I following the journey of my soul?” and most importantly, “can I find peace with that?”
How to let go of comparison and free yourself
It’s easy to say ‘don’t compare yourself to others’, yet it’s an entirely different thing to actually do that.
The world we live in shows a constant stream of information about strangers, our peers, friends, influencers and all sorts of people in between on a constant basis through social media.
This never used to be a thing, of course, and so the world is still adjusting to a world with social media in it and how we handle it. The easy option is not to be on it, yet it might be that you have a business, or want to keep in touch with friends, or like to stay connected to the world through it.
Whatever your reason, it’s ok to be on it, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need a break every once in a while.
I came off Instagram for two months (and you can read all about my feelings towards Instagram at the time here) because I was witnessing such a terrible impact it was having on my self-esteem.
It was at that time when I was feeling like a failure; I was living with my parents having moved back home after a failed relationship, struggling financially and feeling so hopeless and lost, like I just couldn’t find my way out of despair.
Probably the worst time to be looking at the shiny lives of others, right?
We need to protect ourselves when we’re feeling vulnerable, and one of the ways we can do that is to gently, and lovingly, let go of the cords attaching us to the things that prod our sore and vulnerable parts.
Social media can feel like an addiction, I’m aware of that, which is all the more reason to take a break from it, just like you’d take a break from any other habit or substance negatively affecting you.
The two month break did me wonders and helped me to regain my perspective, reassess my relationship with it and bring me back out into the world. And interesting, it was during those two months when so much in my life transformed; I was offered the chance to work at a retreat in Portugal, I found a place to live and I moved to the beautiful city of Cambridge.
Even if you’re not conscious of being negatively impacted by social media and feeling like you’re comparing yourself, on a deeper subconscious level you most likely are so I invite you to become aware of it, not judge yourself for it, and maybe take a breather every now and then.
Why gratitude creates freedom from comparison
One of the ways comparison rears its ugly head is through the judgement of ourselves and others. We’re probably not aware we’re doing it but comparison and judgement really go hand in hand.
When we compare ourselves to others, we are really in a state of judgement; judging our lives and how they measure up, and inadvertently judging the lives of those we’re comparing ourselves to as a defence mechanism by our ego.
The ego doesn’t like to be beaten, it doesn’t like to come last and it doesn’t like to be seen as weak, yet these are all the fragile parts that comparison pokes, and so the ego does what it does best, it defends itself and lashes outwards.
This is really common with any low self-esteem. The person with the biggest lack of self-love is usually the person who bullies, belittles and criticises others the most.
Now, I’m not saying I’m like that, and I’m definitely not saying you’re like that, but I want to draw gentle attention to how comparison can sneak up on us without us realising. If we’re judging others, we are seeking to heal our self-esteem wound the wrong way round. Which is why freeing ourselves from comparison is such a crucial part of our journey to true self-love.
We all came here with a unique set of gifts and talents, which can be seen in your Soul Contract, and we’re really here to use them to co-create a beautiful life for ourselves and the world.
There is no one like you. In fact, there never has been and there never will be another you. Your eyes are completely unique, your fingerprints are completely unique, there is not a single soul who is a replica of you, and sometimes we just need reminding of this.
Bring your attention back to who you truly are
The most powerful way to let go of comparison is to tune back into yourself.
Comparison is nothing more than an act of drawing attention away from yourself and onto the life of the external world, so all we need to really do to let it go is to bring our focus back to ourselves.
When we focus our attention inwards, rather than outwards, we are regaining our control that comparison takes away from us. When we’re stuck in comparison it can sometimes feel like a constant spiral, sucking us away from our centre and into the lives and energy of other people, which really doesn’t feel good and makes us also feel completely out of control.
So, all we need to really do is gently, and lovingly, bring our attention back to ourselves and our lives. And, one of the most potent ways to do this, is to feel into the gratitude we hold for who we are and all that we have. Sometimes, we can fall into the trap of inauthentic gratitude. This happens when we feel like we should be grateful for what we have because other people have less than us or their lives are harder.
Yet, this is forced gratitude that comes from our old friend comparison. It is just an inverted comparison; comparing ourselves to others to make us feel better about ourselves, but it’s not very healthy either.
True gratitude comes from a deep appreciation of something in your life. It doesn’t have to be big, it can be super tiny.
Perhaps you’re grateful for the birds singing outside your window (which is what I’m grateful for as I’m writing this) or maybe you feel grateful for something in your home that gives you comfort, or a person in your life, or a delicious cup of coffee. The trick is to start small and to really feel it from your heart.
You’ll know when you’re doing it because you’ll just feel good. And when you do this, as often as you can, comparison will just melt away, giving you so much more freedom to really embrace who you are.
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