Feeling like a failure? Read this
We all have those days. Those days when we feel like everything is going wrong, the world is falling apart and we are the pinnacle of absolute failure.
I’m sure you’ve been there so you know that it can be a pretty ugly place to land in.
When we feel so low that we come to a place where we bully, criticise and judge ourselves, we need to shift ourselves out because it’s only going downhill from here.
If you’re having a day when you feel like you’re a failure, when you feel stuck, hopeless, useless and unworthy or kindness or compassion for yourself then there’s a few key things to remember.
You’re having a really bad day
Sometimes, when we’re stuck in a place where we feel like an absolute failure, we need to know that it’s most likely because we’re just having a really bad day.
Bad days happen, they are part of the package of life. Rather than resist them and do anything to stop them happening, maybe we can lean into them and the answers that they hold.
I know that for me, a bad day normally comes when I’m tired and have overexerted myself (hello burnout). When I get into this state where my energy is depleted, everyday tasks seem so much harder, I’m slower and less efficient and as a result I berate myself, feeling slow and weak.
A lot of us are dealing with long-term low-level stresses in our lives which are then compounded by a situation or event which tips us over the edge. If we’ve been worrying about our finances or a work situation, the smallest thing can shift that stress into an overload for us that we just can’t handle.
This is tipping point is what we call a bad day. It’s a culmination of under-the-surface stress that peaks. Or think of it like the final card on a house of cards that causes the whole thing to come tumbling down.
When we have a bad day we feel like shit, it just happens. This is when those thoughts of failure thrive, finding a platform to dance around in our minds and convince us that we’re all-round useless. So, if you’re feeling like a failure, don’t worry, it’s just a moment in time that will pass.
Piling on the pressure and expectations
Often, when we’re feeling like a failure, it’s to do with the amount of pressure we’re loading onto our shoulders. Meeting the expectations of others is child’s play compared to meeting the expectations of ourselves.
I recognise that I can put a huge amount of pressure on myself to achieve and get things done and this can be such a downfall for me because when I don’t meet that expectation I fall into a place of disappointment, impatience and frustration.
I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. The pressure we place on ourselves is not healthy or sustainable so tune in and check your pressure gauge.
It’s so wonderful to have tasks, projects and plans that excite us, but we can’t let them weigh us down to the point that we land facedown in the mud feeling like a failure for not managing to carry them. It’s good to have high standards but we’re not robots. We are not superhumans. We are energetic and emotional beings who feel things.
Having expectations of what we must achieve can trip us up before we even start. We need to allow things to unfold. Good things take time so we must cultivate an attitude of peace and patience as we work our way through something.
Expectations are bloody heavy, so put them down.
Who are you comparing yourself to?
Feeling like a failure can often stem from looking at someone else and seeing ourselves as lacking in comparison.
It might be that we see the results of someone who has done something well that we want to do well. We then, automatically and so subtly that we’re not even conscious of it, compare ourselves and find our confidence dropping as a result.
The problem with comparison, and I’ve written about it so much, is that it’s really sneaky. It can build and build, without us being aware of it, to the point where we suddenly feel like a complete failure who has no chance of ever achieving what our hearts most desire.
That feeling of failure is most likely the result of a build up of comparison which has taken root within you, like rot that has gone unnoticed, until it takes you out and pulls you down when you least expect it.
If you feel like a failure, ask yourself ‘in comparison to who?’ because I guarantee that in your mind there will be a person that you are comparing yourself to. It may be a group of people. It may even be a comparison to yourself in the past or future.
This is when we need the utmost compassion for ourselves because comparison digs deep into the core wound that most of us carry which is around not feeling good enough.
This isn’t a surface wound that we can clearly see and solve. It’s much deeper and one that takes a lifetime to heal. So patience and love for yourself is exactly what you need right now.
We’re forgetting that it’s all just a big learning curve
This is what life is. The world is our playground and we’re all just muddling along, trying to do our best and sometimes making an absolute hash of it.
There is no such thing as failure, it’s all just a big learning process and every so-called ‘mistake’ is really just an event that either has positive or negative consequences, depending on the lens through which we view them. There are never right or wrong roads to take in this life, there are only choices that we make, followed by another choice, then another choice.
So many ‘mistakes’ and ‘failures’ in my life have led to the most beautiful things happening later down the timeline of my life. So, when you’re stuck in an uncomfortable situation where you feel like you’ve failed, just wait.
It’s only by looking backwards, once the dust has settled and time has softened the edges, that you can clearly see the dots that connect you to the beautiful place where you are.
So, there’s one thing I want you to take away from this. You’re not a failure, you’re just having a bad day. You’re not a failure, you’re just putting too much pressure on yourself. You’re not a failure, you just feel like one in comparison to other people. You’re not a failure, you’re just figuring it out one day at a time.
It will all work out, I promise, but if you’re still feeling bad, take a read of 5 things to remember when it all feels too much.
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