My distinct lack of boundaries has made itself known recently, which has really pissed me off.

Boundaries, or lack of them, sit firmly in my soul contract’s spiritual karma, inviting cycle after cycle of people and situations to take, take, take (hello energy vampires). And it’s no one’s fault, not even theirs, only mine.

Taking responsibility is a beautiful thing, leading to greater self-awareness, non-judgement and compassion for ourselves. But, it’s also a hard thing to acknowledge, because until we know what we need to take responsibility for, we stay trapped in the cycle.

I’m so lucky I have Kinesiology, which taps into the subconscious to unroot and unravel what I’m blithely unaware of. When you can’t see the wood through the trees, because you’re so deeply in it, you need that person to show you the bigger picture, which is exactly what Kinesiology does.

My longest cycle with a boundary-abusing energy vampire was nearly 4 years but they’ve come and gone in my life with alarming regularity.

I’m not surprised, I’m a gentle person that doesn’t like upsetting others and I’d rather give than take. I’m a perfect freaking target.

However, while they still circle me, I’m starting to be more discerning about the people and situations that prey on my softness, recognising them a lot more quickly than my past self would have.

There are signs, and the signs must be heeded because it’s quicksand if you ignore the warning signals and let these relationships or situations continue.

So, I’m going to share mine, in the hope that you might recognise some of these yourself, and pay attention before it’s too late.

Changing who you are to stay safe

A change in behaviour is the first sign that there’s a problem.

If we’re not being ourselves in the company of others, there’s something wrong. It’s clearly showing us that it’s not safe to be seen by this person and we need to hide who we are.

I didn’t really understand this until I added together all the physical clues my body threw at me with every situation where I felt abused, taken advantage of or sucked dry by someone’s dominant energy.

The first is I swallow. The throat is the communication centre where we express ourselves through words. If we swallow before we speak, as a sign of nervousness and fear, it’s a big red flag. I have this symptom in every boundary-pushing relationship I’ve ever had.

Perhaps yours might be something different; a tremble, a tightening in your solar plexus, an anxious feeling in your chest, a change of breathing. It can be anything, only you know.

Feelings and bodily awareness is key because the body will show you signs that the mind won’t yet comprehend. Your body is your clue so always listen closely and feel into what it’s trying to tell you.

The second thing I feel when in the presence of someone who is absolutely no good for me at all, is a complete lack of authenticity. I shut down, moderate my movements, carefully stow away my light, and tuck myself inwards.

This is a more subtle one but I bet you’ve done it before. The less we can be seen and the less we say, the less of a target we think we are. So we hide.

If you don’t feel safe to share your thoughts, speak your truth or be real with another person, back away. Stay strong to your core values and recognise when it feels unsafe to show them.

Feeling angry and ready to let rip

I’m angry right now and I’m so pleased about it because it’s healthy to be angry. Anger, when it’s due, is an important fuel for change and we must not smother it, or mask our emotions, thinking it’s wrong or unhealthy.

It’s so damn healthy.

I feel angry when I feel taken advantage of. Normally it doesn’t appear instantly, it brews under the surface, like a quietly steaming kettle, bothering and irritating me with its persistence as I avoid it and try and get on with life.

I should know, more than anyone, that emotions only persist when we try to shut them down. So it gets a bit louder and I start to feel it in my body. It gets to the stage where I have to voice it out loud “who the hell do they think they are?”as I start to become aware of where this anger stems from.

Once that anger comes to the surface I can really feel it and it’s powerful, because it’s where I draw a line in the sand and say a firm, hard “no”.

Anger is merely a boundary being pushed too far into our space, where we have no other option to lash out and tell them to back off. We don’t want to reach the point but it’s teaching us where our line in the sand is.

Often, it comes from a deeper fear within us and anger is the only way that the fear can make itself know.

So, if you feel angry, that is a boundary that’s been crossed and you need to recognise it, bring awareness to it, and mark that line in the sand so you can start building your wall.

Feeling tired, drained and exhausted

I don’t care whether it’s conscious or unconscious behaviour, if I feel drained and exhausted after being in someone’s company I need to walk away.

When we’re in the company of someone we’re on edge with we’re not relaxed because we’re wary and in fight or flight mode, without even knowing it.

We tense up, internally, to keep a rigid exterior in the hope that it won’t be penetrated by the tentacles of the energy grabbers we’re in the company of. It never works, they get in anyway, and when we leave their company, we let everything go, realising too late that our cup has been drained and our battery is out of juice.

We make the mistake of thinking that “this time it’ll be different” or “I was just tired that day” or “it’s not their fault, they don’t realise”. I’m past using those excuses.

We all have those friends whose presence lifts us up and we come away feeling lighter, more joyful, and filled with genuine warmth from a mutual sharing and uplifting engagement. No one is drained. No one has been smothered by the heavy emotions of the other. No one leaves with an empty cup.

Those are the relationships to nourish and use as a benchmark of how healthy interactions with people can be.

There’s no shame in admitting that our frequency doesn’t resonate with everyone. The danger lies when we know our energy doesn’t match but we feel guilty for walking away or too scared to stand up for ourselves.

This is why people-pleasing due to low self-esteem only perpetuates the cycle of energy abuse. Until we say no, it won’t ever stop.

Recognising energy vampires

I like to think I’m getting quicker and quicker at recognising those who seek to take from me, but I’m still on a steep learning curve.

Often, energy vampires and boundary manipulators are so sparkly on the outside, that we’re tricked into thinking that they’re good people that wouldn’t ever consciously overpower someone with their energy to feel better about themselves.

I’m the butt of the joke for thinking like that because nothing could be further from the truth.

These people are some of the worst offenders because of this very reason. The wellbeing and spirituality circles are full of toxic people like this, with their rampaging egos running absolutely wild under the guise of ‘love and light’.

They’re not love and light, they dim the lights of others, stealing their shine to feel better about themselves.

Every person who I’ve ever had the misfortune of letting past my boundaries to take whatever they want, has been from this clique. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, look out for the teeth and claws that hide in their cloak of yoga pants and crystals, because appearances can be deceptive. Not everyone is good or kind, they are far from it.

But we need not fear them, these people will keep coming into our life until we learn the lessons.

And we needn’t blame them either, they're just our teachers. Once we’re far away to gain perspective and understanding we can feel grateful that they taught us to stand up for ourselves. Thank you, but also, see ya.

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