After 5 Years Sober Here’s Why I Chose to Drink Again
Breaking a 5-Year Sobriety: Why I Chose to Have a Drink This Christmas
I didn’t expect to have a glass of champagne this Christmas, yet for some reason I did.
I recently celebrated 5 years of ‘no alcohol’ on 7th December 2024 - something that no one really knew aside from a few people very close to my heart. I’m not big on social media and sobriety also isn’t something I really care to share about too much, apart from a few blog posts I wrote when I felt inspired to share the reasons behind not drinking.
I don’t quite know where the decision came from, to have a drink after 5 years of avoiding it completely, but I felt it had perhaps been brewing in the back of my mind for several months.
Ironically, I wanted to celebrate 5 years sober by writing about my experience of giving up alcohol, yet just a few weeks later I’m writing about something a little different.
This is not about falling off the wagon or descending into alcoholism - I was never an alcoholic - merely an unweaving of the complex threads that tangled me into the choice I made 5 years ago, and why I decided to gently let that choice go.
That’s not to mean that the decision wasn’t taken lightly.
The idea of drinking has haunted me for the past 5 years. I often have dark dreams about drinking, where I could really feel and sense the inebriating effects alcohol used to have on me, that had me waking up in a panic, swiftly followed by relief that it was all a dream.
However, it was the fear that really affected me so deeply. I was so fearful of drinking that even the idea of moderation seemed impossible for me. I also had this belief that I would be somehow ‘less than’ if I decided to drink again - unconsciously comparing myself to a perhaps a purer version of myself.
So, here I am, just a few days after drinking my first glass of alcohol (yes, it was champagne) and sharing the reasons why I made this choice, and how I’m really feeling about it.
Finding freedom from letting go of the sober label
The first thing that I thought would hit me the hardest after that illicit first glass was the shame. I expected shame to slither over me and wrap me in its embrace, just like it had during those dreams of drinking that plagued me so often. And, as often accompanies shame, I wondered when the guilt would hit.
This is perhaps the biggest surprise of all to me - I feel no guilt or shame at allowing myself alcohol after 5 years, which is a huge thing in itself.
When I gave up alcohol, I made it part of my identity, of who I was. Just like when you proclaim yourself as vegan, it becomes a label that you stick on yourself to show the world who you are and what your values are.
When you change something about your identity, so swiftly, it can come as a bit of a shock, which is perhaps what I felt. Yet, freedom comes when you realise that you are the only one self-imposing this identity on yourself.
Not only do I not have to design myself with labels, but I also don’t have to stick those labels onto me for all of those to see. This is something I recently realised with food. Sometimes I eat dairy, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I eat sugar, sometimes I don’t. While I never eat meat, I won’t shame myself if I one day do.
And, if you take away the shame or guilt that you place on your own shoulders, no one has the power to put them back there. We are all our own worst enemies, and once we realise that it all starts with us, then we release the power that we truly hold.
Learning to release the shame around drinking
I used to feel a huge amount of shame when I drank, which is why I expected it to be there on Christmas day. I also realised that one of the driving reasons behind giving up alcohol came from the deeply repressed and shameful memories that I had always carried with me.
The embarrassment of my drinking was the fuel that kept me sober, yet I now realise that perhaps it was a cage of shame that I just didn’t want to truly face, and so it was easier to just keep away from alcohol.
One particular drunken wedding was the spark that set my decision in motion, yet when I recently spoke to friends about it their version of who I was that night was vastly different to my own. My own memory involves being very overexcited, leading to drinking too much, too quickly, flirting inappropriately with a friend’s boyfriend and arriving at my hotel alone, at 3am in the morning, in tears, after getting so disorientated and lost on the walk there.
Yet my friends remember me being a great dance partner and great company the whole evening.
My shame extended to the next day where I didn’t want to face anyone due to my hangover. Yet, again, all of my friends recently shared that they had also felt equally rough that next morning and had all wanted to head home as soon as possible.
Alcohol distorts our memories, but so does shame - and together they aren’t a pretty combination. I’ve come to realise that for me, the hangovers, the accompanying anxiety and shame-ridden guilt after even drinking one glass were too much for me.
Knowing that I am in command of my life and not out of control
I have many bad memories involved with drinking which is why I decided to give it up, and I don’t regret my 5 sober years for a second. I have absolutely loved who I am and who I’ve become.
And the true gift of the whole experience has been seeing myself for who I truly am. I can handle problems and pain without alcohol. I can create joy, without alcohol. I am supremely confident in a room full of strangers, without alcohol. I can literally do anything (hello, 5 years of living) without any need for alcohol.
And this is what I needed to prove to myself.
This is the most delightful and awe-inspiring energy that is self-contained within me - I am so proud of myself, which is something I don’t say often enough. I did this big thing, in a society saturated in alcohol, and that takes power. I’ve remembered that I am powerful, and that is a joy to behold.
While I didn’t feel shame or guilt, there are other feelings though, which feel important to try and condense into words.
One of the first feelings I experienced was surprise. I really couldn’t believe that the world didn’t stop, the earth didn’t shatter, my head stayed on my head and the clock kept ticking, after that first sip. For in my head, over the past 5 years, I had built alcohol up to be a demon.
My surprise was that champagne tasted exactly as I remembered, and it was delicious. I actually enjoyed every sip.
One of the biggest things I realised is that it was safe for me to let go of control. Sobriety is about control - controlling yourself not to have alcohol when it is all around you.
Something I realised this year is that we can never be in control, for life is utterly wild and unpredictable, yet we can be in command. While life can feel chaotic and out of control, we are always in command of our response to it.
Imagine being a captain of a ship. When you’re in a storm, tossed about by the winds of fate and the tides of change, you have no control over the weather or the raging seas - you only have command of your ship. The way you weather a storm is through your command of your ship.
I now seek to be in command, rather than in control, of myself and my life, which is another huge element which led to my choice to have a drink.
No more hiding from the fear of drinking
One of the biggest drivers of my sobriety was the fear that if I were to have a drink I would suddenly veer wildly out of control, that my life would slide into a sloppy mess and that I’d ruin all the wonderful things I’d created for myself.
While fears are often the product of our wildly and over-active imaginations, this absolutely can happen to people with a serious alcohol addiction. This is not something I write about lightly because while I now realise that one drink won’t be a spiral downwards for me, it very well could be for someone else.
For some, avoiding alcohol is a life and death decision. For me, it’s not that extreme.
I wasn’t an alcoholic, just a quick and thirsty drinker (of any drinks) and very sensitive to the effects of alcohol. Over the past 5 years I’ve developed a far greater understanding of myself, and a level of self-awareness that has helped me understand why alcohol affected me so badly.
This fear doesn’t haunt me anymore because I now understand myself so much better.
I am not the person I was 5 years ago - I don’t need to drink to have a good time, I don’t need to drink to feel confident, I don’t need alcohol in my glass to enjoy my drink, I don’t need to drink to fit into a crowd, I don’t need to drink to help me relax, I don’t need alcohol to relieve stress and tension. The list goes on and on.
And perhaps the biggest reason of all - I don’t need alcohol to numb, fix or heal anything within me, for I have far more powerful, superior and loving ways to go inwards and dig out what is ready to be seen, heard and loved. I have also done a huge amount of clearing of old programming and beliefs that stunted and blocked my authentic spirit from shining out into the world.
5 years ago I drank to cover, hide and conceal, from myself more than from others, but drinking alcohol is not something that covers up anything for me anymore - I made my choice to have a glass of champagne for the sheer enjoyment and pleasure of the taste, the bubbles and the fizz - something I had sorely missed - and to prove to myself that I am safe to trust myself.
Trusting myself and knowing my true worth
So where do I go from here? That’s a question I don’t have an answer for.
While I enjoyed the taste, I didn’t really enjoy the after effects. When you haven’t drunk for 5 years it’s amazing how quickly it hits your bloodstream! After a glass and a half I felt slower, foggier, headachy and tired, which is not a feeling I’m too keen to repeat anytime soon.
What I do feel is free; free to make my own choices. It may be that I make ones that don’t serve me in the future, but I’m deciding to trust myself to know the difference between having a drink or not having a drink, when the time comes.
I have no particular desire to drink anything else right now, but maybe that will change. I also have no desire to feel foggy-headed and drunk in any way, but maybe that will happen at some point.
What I do know is that I am proud of both of my decisions; spending 5 years sober and the decision to break that sobriety amongst my family and friends on a special day. I allow myself to let go of the labels and allow myself to just be whoever I want myself to be; comfortable in the knowledge that I am enough, exactly as I am.
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